Separation Anxiety in Children, Episode 2
What Message Are You Sending?
In episode one, I shared a few tips to help your child experiencing separation anxiety during the school year. In this next episode, we’ll review what your child is trying to communicate with this behavior and what we can do to alleviate the feelings.
When your child is crying, clinging to you, or refusing to go to school or daycare, it can be easy to think of the behavior as something that needs to stop.
But I don't really want to call this misbehavior.
Something very real is happening inside your child. They're experiencing fear and anxiety, and in that moment, their goal is to keep you—their attachment figure—close.
Your child may not be able to tell you, “I'm afraid I can't handle this without you.” Instead, they communicate it through crying, clinging, yelling, or refusing to separate.
As parents, the question becomes: What message are we sending back?
Understanding the Fear Behind Separation Anxiety
For a child experiencing separation anxiety, going to school or daycare can feel unpredictable. They may be thinking, even if they can't put it into words:
“I don't know if I can do this without you.”
“I need you with me.”
“I'm not ready to do this on my own.”
That's why it's important to first make sure your child is safe. Talk with your child. Communicate with their teacher or daycare provider. Make sure nothing has happened that needs your attention. Once you've established that your child is safe, we can begin looking at how we respond to the fear.
Our Worry Can Send a Message, Too
When our children become anxious, we naturally want to comfort them.
But children are also watching us for clues about whether they should be afraid.
If I become very worried while my child is crying, I may unintentionally communicate, “You're right. This is scary. Maybe you can't do this without me.”
That isn't the message we mean to send. We're trying to be loving and reassuring. But our children notice our emotions.
The same thing can happen when we become frustrated.
What Happens When We Get Angry?
I understand this one personally. You're trying to get everyone out the door. You have work. There's a carpool waiting. You're already running late, and now your child doesn't want to leave.
It's easy to become frustrated.
But when we respond with anger, our child may hear something very different from what we intend. Instead of hearing, “We need to get to school,” they may feel, “Mom or Dad is upset because I can't do this. Maybe I'm not ready.”
Young children are still developing their ability to think through these situations. They're experiencing what's happening right now.
That's why we, as adults, have to be intentional about the message we're sending.
Help Your Child Believe, “I Can Do This”
The message we want our children to receive is:
“You're okay.”
“You can do this.”
“You've done hard things before.”
I also love reminding children that they are important in their school community.
Your teacher needs you. Your classmates need you. You have ideas to share. You can help someone. You contribute something simply by being there.
You can even help your child think outside of their own anxiety. Ask whether another child seemed sad or nervous that day. Maybe your child could draw them a picture or make them a card.
Now your child isn't only thinking about, “Can I handle school?” They're beginning to understand, “I have something to contribute here. I belong here.”
Be Intentional About the Message You Send
The next time your child is crying, clinging, or struggling with school separation anxiety, ask yourself:
What message am I sending right now?
Your response communicates something—even when you don't say the words directly.
We want that message to be:
You can do this. You're capable. I believe in you. You're strong. You're brave. You're important.
We won't respond perfectly every time. I certainly don't. But tomorrow gives us another opportunity to be intentional, reconnect, and take another step in the right direction. And remember: you're doing a great job.
If this was helpful, I'd love for you to check out my blog series, follow my Facebook page, and subscribe to my YouTube channel for more in this series on the goals of misbehavior.
Ready to take the next step? Reach out to Emmaus Counseling in Buda, Texas to schedule a session.
