Separation Anxiety in Children - An Introduction

Back-to-school season can bring excitement, new routines, and new experiences. But for some children—and their parents—it can also bring tears, meltdowns, and separation anxiety.

I understand this personally. My six-year-old recently had some difficult mornings getting back into the school routine. As a parent, when you see your child crying or struggling at drop-off, it's easy to start worrying.

Is something wrong? Is my child unhappy? Is school scary? Did something happen?

Those are normal questions for a concerned parent to ask. But before assuming something is wrong, it can be helpful to look at the situation from your child's perspective.

What Does Separation Anxiety Look Like in Children?

Separation anxiety can happen when a child has difficulty being away from a parent or caregiver. You may notice crying, clinging, refusing to get out of the car, stomachaches, or emotional meltdowns before school or daycare.

For parents, the natural reaction is often to try to solve the problem immediately. But when your child's emotions are already high, that usually isn't the best time to have a conversation.

Instead, focus on getting through the moment and reconnecting later.

Connect With Your Child When Emotions Are Calm

One of the most important things I encourage parents to do is connect—but not when emotions are high.

Wait until your child comes home from school or daycare and is calm. Find some quiet time together and become curious about what they're experiencing.

You might ask:

Is everything okay?

Is there something at school that feels scary?

Did something happen that you want to talk about?

Give your child an opportunity to tell you what's happening without making assumptions. Your job isn't necessarily to fix everything in that conversation. Sometimes you simply need to listen.

Being curious can help your child feel heard while also giving you valuable information and some peace of mind as a parent.

Talk With Your Child's School or Daycare

You don't have to figure this out by yourself. Teachers and caregivers can provide another perspective on what happens after you leave.

In my own situation, I learned that although there were tears during drop-off, within about 30 minutes my child was calm, participating, interacting, and having fun.

That information was reassuring.

The difficult part was the separation itself, not necessarily the entire school day.

If your child is experiencing back-to-school anxiety, ask their teacher what they're noticing after drop-off. Understanding what happens once you're gone can help you determine whether your child is having difficulty with the transition or whether something else may need attention.

Give Yourself Some Reassurance, Too

When your child is struggling, it's easy to question yourself as a parent.

Remember that you can be concerned without immediately assuming the worst. Take time to gather information. Talk with your child when they're calm. Communicate with their teacher or caregiver. Pay attention to patterns.

Most importantly, stay connected.

Your child needs to know that you're there, that you're interested in what they're experiencing, and that they can talk to you when they're ready.

Separation anxiety can be difficult for both children and parents. Approaching it with curiosity, connection, and patience can help you better understand what your child needs as they adjust to being back at school.