Why Does My Child Misbehave - Goal #3
Hi, my name is Edith Cuevas, and I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and the founder of Emmaus Counseling in Buda, Texas. In this series, we’ve been talking about the goals of misbehavior—why children behave the way they do and what’s really going on underneath the surface. To view all four goals, visit my blog page.
Today, I want to focus on the third goal of child behavior that many parents experience: power struggles with children.
If you’ve ever found yourself going back and forth with your child—arguing, insisting, or trying to “win” a situation—you’re not alone.
How to Recognize a Power Struggle
If you’re feeling:
Challenged
Threatened
Angry
Defeated
That’s usually a strong sign that you are in a power struggle with your child. You may also notice your own thoughts shifting to:
“I’m going to show you who’s boss.”
“You’re going to do what I say.”
“I need to be right.”
When that happens, the interaction becomes less about the task and more about control.
What Does Power Struggle Behavior Look Like?
When children are in a power struggle, their behavior often escalates. You might see:
Arguing or refusing to comply
Defiant compliance (doing the task but with attitude—slamming doors, stomping)
Saying “yes” but not following through
Passive resistance
These behaviors are ways of expressing control—even when the child appears to be cooperating.
What Is Your Child Really Trying to Say?
Underneath the behavior, there is usually a deeper message. For younger children, it often sounds like:
“Give me choices.”
“Let me help.”
For older children and adolescents, it becomes:
“I want control over my life.”
“I need autonomy.”
At the core, the child may be thinking:
“I belong when I’m in control.”
“No one can boss me around.”
When we understand this, we can respond in a way that supports their development instead of escalating the conflict.
How to Reduce Power Struggles at Home
Don’t Engage in the Fight
One of the most important things you can do is not enter the power struggle.
That doesn’t mean giving in. It means staying calm, firm, and not matching your child’s emotional intensity.
You might say:
“I’m not going to fight about this. Let me know when you’re ready.”
Offer Limited Choices
Children need a sense of control, but they also need structure. Instead of open-ended questions like: “What do you want to wear?”
Try:
“Do you want the blue shirt or the red shirt?”This gives your child autonomy within boundaries, which reduces resistance.
Redirect to Positive Power
Especially with younger children, one of the best tools is inviting them to help.
“Help me pick up your toys.”
“Help me get your bed ready.”
This allows them to feel capable and involved, rather than controlled.
Let Routine Be the Boss
Instead of having the same argument every day, create routines. For example: “When we play, we take things out—and then we clean up.”
When routines are consistent, you don’t have to negotiate every time. The routine becomes the expectation.
Take Space When Needed
If emotions are running high, it’s okay to step away. Calm yourself first, then come back to the situation. This models emotional regulation for your child.
Supporting Older Children and Teens
As children grow, their need for control becomes more complex. Adolescents want independence, but they don’t always know how to manage responsibility yet. This can create tension.
For example, a teen may want full control over their schedule but feel overwhelmed by school, work, or responsibilities at home.
In these moments, it’s important to:
Help them recognize when they need support
Encourage them to ask for help
Model healthy problem-solving
Sometimes, the anger you see is really frustration or overwhelm.
Family Therapy Support in Buda, Kyle, and South Austin
At Emmaus Counseling, I work with children, adolescents, and families to better understand behavior and improve communication.
If you’re dealing with:
Frequent power struggles
Defiance or resistance
Ongoing family conflict
You’re not alone—and there are ways to shift these patterns.
📍 Serving Buda, Kyle & South Austin
💻 Virtual therapy available across Texas
🌐 Learn more: www.emmaus-counseling.net
When we understand the purpose behind behavior, we can respond differently.
And often, that’s where change begins.
